A Love Letter to my Son
On November 15, 1995 you came into this world and I named you BriDarin Nakia Hutchons! You were a robust little boy, big enough to be called a butterball. You weighed 9lb, 13oz and your body was long in length. You had the softest skin with the sweetest smile and your pudgy frame was as smooth as melted milk chocolate. Although I was excited to give birth, I wasn’t in the best place of my life. I confess; I was young, unmarried, and on child number two. I didn’t know it at the time, but my issues were soon going to be revealed! Because this delivery wasn’t easy, it made the moment even harder to handle. I was overwhelmed by how arduous, intense, and long it took! For a minute, it was touch and go for me, and at one point, the doctors even assumed you weren’t going to make it! I don’t recall being scared, however, just concerned! When I saw you were ok, I held you in amazement thanking God. My pain was worth your presence! It was meant for you to be here and like always you made your GRAND entrance! You were my fighter who didn’t give up, which is why you’re aptly named “CHAMP”! I remember staring at your pronounced dimples that complimented your round face thinking, how simply scrumptious! He’s going to be special! I couldn’t properly express my excitement, so I appropriately showed gratitude.
In the following weeks that led to our departure from the hospital things drastically changed. I tried sorting out my life to become a better mom, but I overlooked you in the process. SHAME! You were self-sufficient and didn’t need much, or so I thought! We had to learn from each other, even though you taught me more. Like most parents, I wondered if I did right by you. Sometimes I felt unsure!
When you were younger, I doubted myself a lot and questioned what I knew…
When you got older, I questioned what I knew and doubted myself a lot…
For 26 years I bragged about being the BEST mom, but I knew that wasn’t true in part. I toyed with your innocence and made you believe my dysfunction was your fault. I realize now I acted out in ways that showed up as abuse. I believe God chose you for me, but if given the chance, would you have chosen me for you. I know it wasn’t easy living with a hypocrite. My hope is that you will be a healthier parent to your children than I was to you. I’ll start by owning my part…
I APOLOGIZE REGARDING YOUR DAD:
When it comes to your dad, I did you a disservice. I didn’t talk about him much and when I did I always led you to believe the worst parts of him. You are truly your Father’s son; however, in a good way! I’m sorry I made it seem as if being like him was a “negative” thing. When he was abruptly murdered, I made the mistake of assuming I understood how you felt. I didn’t seek counseling for you and didn’t think it was necessary for me. I did the opposite of showing love by disregarding the man you loved! Your dad was genuinely kind, with a BIG heart. He was caring and loving towards us. I don’t regret our encounter because it brought me you.
I APOLOGIZE REGARDING YOUR GRANNY:
It was never my intent to argue with your Granny in your presence or behind closed doors. I should have respected her opinion more and tried to understand who she was. Even though our styles of discipline were different, I should not have demeaned her by interfering. My arrogance about being your mom put you in the middle a lot and caused you to pick sides. It was childish of me to keep you away from your Granny as punishment! She only wanted to be the best person she could be and give you the world, but I didn’t allow that successfully. It was unfair and unnecessary! I ask for your forgiveness.
I APOLOGIZE REGARDING MY PARENTS:
When you were younger getting chastised didn’t seem fair. I recall disrespecting my parents on your behalf to prove how unfair I thought they were treating you. The problem with that is how it caused friction between them and me. You were never able to build a true relationship with your Grandbo or PaPa because I distorted your view. I led you to believe my actions were ok. Please accept my apology.
I TRULY APOLOGIZE REGARDING MR. “G”:
There are certain people who should never be in your life, let alone your children. You knew it and tried to express it. Unfortunately, your needs were overshadowed by mine! I allowed him to (spank) you even when I knew I shouldn’t have and I was wrong. You noticed the unfair treatment, so please forgive me for not listening!
I APOLOGIZE REGARDING ME:
I always tried to be fair when it came to you and your sister, but I realize I missed the mark. There was favoritism shown and it was demonstrated in the way I disciplined. I didn’t have a handle on my own issues which is why I took my anger out on you. It was never my intention, but I make no excuses. I fault myself for devaluing who you were by praising who she was. This is why you looked for my validation, BUT make no mistake, you are enough!!! I admit I ruined a lot of your special moments. It was either by my actions, reactions, assumptions, or responses. I see now how negatively that impacted you. And even though I could have listened more, I was uncompromising. I thought it would make you better; instead it made you bitter. Your opinion of me as your parent was shaped the day I betrayed your trust. I wish the trauma of my past wouldn’t have caused me to hurt you in the present, however, I look forward to our prosperous future…
LOVE, YOUR MOM!
